7
“It is very difficult, what you are doing,” she said, after I’d told them of my story and my search. “Where we come from it is more understood. It is the highest goal a person can strive toward, we venerate this more than any other accomplishment. In our country you would be called a sadhu, a holy person. You are a wandering monk.”
After a formal but warm greeting at the lounge, they had invited me upstairs to their magnificent suite above the resort lobby. We were sitting on their private patio overlooking the courtyard, their patio plants a mini-jungle around us. A sitar on a stand was displayed respectfully in a corner, and small cultural statues peeked here and there from behind plants. We watched the lounge crowd below and looked out over the pool and palms and torchlight. A few other guests were enjoying the evening on their own private balconies, faces flickering by candlelight.
The young couple sat primly but comfortably beside me, we three sipping a tart, succulent Middle-Eastern drink I’d never heard of or tasted before. They were in their mid-thirties, both very handsome in their male and female ways. She was striking in a sari resplendent with traditional colors and patterns but westernized into a stunning evening gown; he wore casual but stylish black slacks and white office shirt. Our own candle flickered and reflected red on the jeweled bindi between her dark eyebrows.
“I read the short bio on your website, but would you tell me about yourselves?” I asked.
“Of course,” he said. “We met as teens in our country. I was abandoned as a baby, I think. As a boy I begged and lived on the streets, in the garbage dumps, and one day a generous family liked me and took me in. I went to school and became fascinated with computers, I learned programming and eventually I developed software for imaging and three-dimensional animation, like you see in the movies now everywhere. I wanted to expand outside of my own country so I practiced hard at learning English also. My software became very popular and I was hired by movie studios. That is where we met, on a movie set. My wife was acting in a film that used much computer animation, and I was consulting, showing the actors how animations would integrate with their character movements.”
He looked lovingly at her.
“One look, I was an ex-slumdog in love.”
She then offered her side of the story: “I had a good upbringing and I always loved movies. I was fortunate to become an actress, to work in films and to move up into starring roles. And I, too, wished to open my future further, so I learned English so I might work in English films. We met on the set, and we began practicing English together.”
She looked caringly back at him.
“I was a little slower. But after a few weeks, one day we were eating lunch together on-set and he choked and coughed on some food, and turned bright red, and I guess I became in love right then.”
I laughed.
“And this resort?” I asked.
“We wished to have a fun project where we could meet many kinds of people,” he said. “I became tired of staring at a computer screen all day and night in a closed room. I wanted to be more physically active in beautiful surroundings, and she wanted a place to meet people easily, and where her film friends could visit and stay often.”
“Why did you choose this city, this place?”
“It was when we met the person you told us about,” he said. “He was simply walking down the street, in our country. Over there, seekers are much more common than here. At least, the seekers who have given their lives over to doing so. But enlightened masters are very rare, you might chance meeting one or two in a lifetime. When one is seen, their amazing peace and awareness are so obvious, people in the streets will gather and walk with them, laugh, cry, touch them just to be touching a human of such attainment. Such complete loss of ego and suffering.”
He looked to her, passing the story.
She breathed for a moment, pressed her hands together prayer-like below her lips, then said, “When he walked through our neighborhood, we could just see his attainment. The aura he gave off was… of ultimate peace. So we joined the crowd and walked with him. It was a magical day. I kept crying. He did not speak our language, but since the two of us spoke English we asked him questions. He was very friendly and spoke with us about this country and this area, and about the little girl by the river. We followed him to the edge of the city and then he kept walking into the countryside. Some people stayed walking with him until they were all beyond our sight.”
He picked the story up again, “And since we were both thinking about a change, it was a ‘Why not?’ decision. It was easy for both of us to be sponsored by companies here, we each provided unique services. We had already been sending in paperwork for years, knowing we wanted to eventually work and perhaps try living in this country. And we had secured dual citizenship, so we could come here at any time. So we did. We looked over many areas but we loved it here the most, and once we saw this old hotel for sale, it seemed like the perfect thing to begin with. We bought it and changed it into something much nicer.”
“It’s gorgeous,” I complimented truthfully.
“Thank you. It is not where all the ‘film action’ is, but we did not want to be living right in the tiger’s mouth. We like it quieter, but still close enough. Perhaps this is… by the tiger’s tail,” he smiled.
8
“May I say some things that I feel may help you on your search?” she asked. “As you told us your story it made me think of a few things. May I?”
A refreshing change from people who simply bulldoze over you with what they think you should be doing. She looked at me politely, kindly, fully willing to non-resentfully accept a negative answer.
I nodded. “Yes,” I said quietly.
She angled her chair to face me more directly. A kind and sincere look on her face.
“First, there is something small. It seems to me that, on your journey, you have been looking for very poignant, larger-than-life people and happenings, to learn each of your lessons, or truths, from. It is like you are traveling for days or weeks in order to arrive somewhere, and then you try hard to learn from that person or situation at your destination.”
She paused, giving her statements air to breathe.
“It is not that you are ignoring your journey in-between, I know you are also thoughtful of the things that happen along the way. But you seem to actively look for your lessons and truths, widely open yourself to them, only when you have found something very large and colorful. And that is normal for most people, it seems to me. Most of us go about our days operating almost automatically, not deeply learning from the normal things that happen all day long. We mainly learn important life lessons only from the happenings that deeply move us.”
She canted her head slightly, even more sincere.
“But you are not living a normal existence. You have given your life over to this path. You are sacrificing for it, you are extremely serious, so I know I do not have to soften what I am saying. And what I am saying is that mature seekers, those who become more advanced in their minds, seem to move beyond compartmentalizing—did I say that right?—their learning. They are open to all truths, all lessons, at all times. They do not lessen their openness during the in-between times, and then heighten their learning only when they meet someone unusual, or when some powerful situation happens.”
She allowed a restful rhythm of pauses between comments, empty spaces for me to process things.
“I think you are capable of much, much more,” she said. “I think it would perhaps be helpful if you let go of searching for any more teachers. Then you stop thinking of anything as ‘special’ or unusual. I think, if you truly wish to attain what you seek, then ‘special’ things and people no longer appeal to you. I think mastery… is when you begin to see the lessons, the truths, the magnificence… in all things. Even in the most unappealing of places, even speaking with the most unexciting person.”
Another pause.
“I am not like that,” she said, exhibiting an easy self-honesty. “I seek, a little. Everyone does, I think. But you are a seeker, entirely.”
She thought for a moment, making certain she was being just, that she was saying what she believed to be accurate.
“Yes. I think your wisdom and your clarity will become greatly heightened if you let go all thoughts of looking for the next teacher or the next great happening. If you just become open to all lessons from all things, and no longer look mainly for the exciting or interesting things to learn from.”
She rested her face, letting go of everything she’d said, and waited for my response. Her husband beside her looked at the plants, looked at me, sipped his drink, friendly but leaving this between her and me.
I stood up and walked over to the corner of the patio, looking out over the courtyard below. When someone drops a bomb of wisdom on you, sometimes it’s hard to look in their eyes while you let it explode around inside you.
I returned and sat down. She was peaceful but her eyes showed slight worry over how I’d react to her comments.
“I’m so grateful,” I said. “Please, continue. Say anything.”
Her face opened happily for a moment, then became serious again.
9
“There is another small thing, related to what I just said,” she continued, “but I think now I will not say it. I think you will learn it for yourself soon. So here is the large thing I wanted to say.”
She gathered herself and thought carefully. Her husband watched her, enjoying. Then she looked at me, even more caringly.
“I think you have great pain, great worry, about what you are doing,” she said. “In the country we grew up in, many people become seekers. Some leave their families, lose their worldly belongings and money, even become mendicants, begging door to door for a little rice or vegetables even from poor houses, so they can give their entire lives to this search, so they don’t expend their energy all day long working, paying bills, looking after family, going out with friends. Their old lives literally die into this seeking.
“This is not easy. It hurts them and the people around them, it can make things very hard for everyone involved. But… in a way, people still understand. No matter how difficult it is, people still have great respect and understanding for what these seekers are doing. Such a holy seeker will be greatly loved and respected, given food, even though he is wearing only rags, does no work for money, begs for rice, sleeps in the street or out in the countryside. We have been raised, over there, to know… despite the pain it may cause, this search is the highest search a human may undertake. The most difficult task possible to set yourself.”
She kept looking at me, strongly and gently, hoping for me to understand and to believe.
“Over here, there is little such understanding about seekers. It seems that if people are on this search over here, you are expected to join some religion, some group, some cult, otherwise people just think you are going crazy, or becoming irresponsible, or have become lost. When you give everything you have to your church, your religion, your goal or project, then it’s more understood… but if you give everything you have towards just seeking, with no religion or system involved, then there is a belief that something is wrong with what you are doing, that you have no solid goal.”
Both of them look straight at me.
“But you are not wrong,” she avowed. “You are the first person we have met over here… who is an entire seeker, who has given his whole life to this path, but without the guidance or controls of any system, any religion. I do not think there is anything wrong with giving oneself to a religion, either, if the heart is pure. But what I am saying is… without a religion, without a group… do you have anyone to support you? To tell you that you are doing good, doing right? I think you do not have many, or any, people telling you that you are doing something wonderful. Something magnificent. I think they are all just looking at what worries them about your path, and they cannot see beyond that and say ‘Great job. Keep going’.”
She looked at her husband, who nodded, then she said, “In our country, you would be helped. Not only in the way people help others who are in trouble, simply to help them, but you would also be helped because you are on this path. But here, if you became broke and wearing rags and tried to beg food door to door, people would call the police on you. You could only be fed and have shelter from the organizations that are created to help unfortunate people.
“I want to say: please, have no doubt. Have no shame or guilt about what you are doing. Seekers must give whatever part of their lives they must give, on this inner search. Some of them can keep their families and jobs and belongings, negotiate a balance. Others, maybe like you, must give much more to this path, and be willing to lose all you have, in exchange for what you seek.
“Many people judge that as being very wrong, but I know that to some of you it becomes so that you… no longer have a choice. I have great compassion for those of you who must give up all you have along this search, because I know that you do not want to lose those things. It is just that you no longer can expend all the energy needed to keep them. But I know you feel the loss of them tremendously, like anyone would.”
I leaned forward, elbows on my knees, head down, eyes unfocused on the floor tiles. So thankful for this validation of my seeking, the first I have ever received from outside myself. I looked up at her with a smile.
“How did you get to be so wise?” I asked.
She laughed out loud, and he smiled as well.
“It is not my wisdom,” she said. “A few years ago, in a film, I played the wife of a man who left his wife and child, his palace and belongings, to become an ascetic, a person who renounced entirely his previous life and belongings to go on this inner search. I had to read many books and speak to many seekers, and I even met another master. So this wisdom is all from their own experience. For me, it is only knowledge. I learned much from them, but I am only repeating their wisdom.”
I thought about this for a few moments.
“No,” I said. “You need your own wisdom to clearly understand the wisdom of others. You used the right words, the right looks, the right voice. You said these things to the right person, at the right time.”
I looked directly at her now, as she had looked at me earlier.
“You learned the knowledge from them, but this is your wisdom you have just given me. And thank you,” I said.
Staring at me, with a calm but sharp intake of breath, she brought her fingertips to lips in that prayer-like movement again, excused herself and walked quietly behind us into their suite.
I’d apparently delivered my own wisdom bomb right between her eyebrows and bullseyed the red jewel there.
10
“We are very wealthy,” her husband continued candidly. “We make millions each year from her films, my software, and now this resort is already doing well. We thought of buying an even larger resort by the ocean… but we both decided to do other things with that money. We love to give, to help.”
He topped up our drinks.
“Have you ever watched that television show, where millionaires pretend they are poor and find good people and charities and then surprise them at the end with a lot of money? We have decided to do that also. But we do not have TV along with us. We love to go places and find such people, and change their lives. We just do it quietly. My childhood on the streets, and being taken in by a family, has given me a strong feeling for the suffering of others, and a strong feeling of responsibility to help them. And not just in the small ways with food or new shoes or rent for a month… but to truly change their lives, give them a solid beginning on whatever path they love.”
“I’ve watched that show. That’s exactly what I’d do if I were wealthy,” I said. “And you… you two are what every wealthy person should aspire to be.”
“Thank you. It takes much thought,” he continued. “Some people are supported by government agencies, and to give them too much would cause other benefits to be cut off. And taxes can be a problem. So we do research with them. With some, we decide to only give an amount that is just below whatever gift amount their agency allows them annually; with others, we literally give them enough to change their entire lives, create a whole new beginning for them so they no longer need any government support. It is beautiful to take part in this process. We live very comfortably, but we also give most of our yearly earnings to people and organizations we happen across, walking around here and on our travels.
“For some, it is dangerous to give them money. Our friend, the girl at the river… we talked long about it, but could not give her mother money for a change of life. The mother would not be thoughtful or clear-headed about it, it would go to drugs and more problems, the people in her life would manage to take it all from her. This gift would actually hurt her life, perhaps end it. Large gifts of money must be given so carefully. Even if we moved them to a new home in a new town, the mother would seek out the same problems. So we will think of different ways of helping the girl and her mother. We do not know how, yet, other than simply visiting and talking, showing we care.”
Remembering the last house I’d stayed at, I said, “I’ve found sometimes that is exactly all you can give some people. Caring about them, saying a few sincere things… goes a very long way.”
“We can do more than that with you, though,” he smiled. “I am certain my wife is at this moment writing you a check. I would guess it is not a lot; you do not need to build an ashram or buy a sports car or such, but she will wish to help you along your path. She understands you are not losing your belongings and diminishing your bank account because you want to, but because you need to give everything you have to this search. So, she will help you eat, and travel, and pay the bills for whatever you’ve left behind you, for a little while. Please accept it. She will wish to show support for you not only as a human being, but for your search also.”
His expression became a little awkward, self-conscious, but still sincere, and he said, “We both honor you highly. It is a privilege to have met you. I know we are both wealthy and we help people ourselves… still, for this path you are on, we look up to you greatly. We aspire to doing even a small part, in our own lifetimes, of what you have given your life to doing. Thank you for coming here.”
He nodded abruptly, as if to slice off sentimentality and discomfiture, and any reply. Then he stood.
“It is late, and we are leaving in the morning. She must be at the west coast for a week and we try to travel together. We have a nice guest suite here for good friends and visiting relatives. Will you please accept our invitation to stay in this suite?”
“I’m honored, I would love to,” I said.
He walked me through their suite—I didn’t see her—where I retrieved my backpack. Then he led me along the outside walkway and into another beautiful suite, elegantly furnished, two bedrooms, with its own private patio overlooking the pool and courtyard. Giving me the key and a formal but friendly handclasp, he thanked me again for coming and I thanked him for everything. He said goodnight for both of them and left me.
11
I sit on my dark patio, an unlit candle on my table, watching two girls wipe clean the now-closed lounge’s furniture below me. The Tiki torches have been doused but white orb lights, like dim glowing mothballs, gently light the courtyard for the night. A man vacuums the pool bottom and another man wipes deck chairs and sweeps the courtyard. All four are dressed in the same cleaning outfits and are quiet and efficient and meditative to watch. Most of the rooms are lights-out, but two candlelit faces flicker in the darkness above a patio railing across the way.
I notice a motion off to the side and see my young couple standing on their patio, facing me. They wave goodnight. I hold up the check she had placed on my table before I’d come to the room, and set it down again. They both smile and make graceful bows, hands briefly in that prayer position. I smile openly, grateful for everything about them. Then they walk back into their suite, their lights turn off room by room, and I never see them again.
12
Was there a ‘teacher’ today?
Her?
No. I will accept her suggestion and look at the entire day of events, large and small… evenly.
What comes to me, through it all? What did this day manifest?
I’ve never before had a single day filled with such polar differences, such differentness between people, places, events, and in how I felt beside each.
Differences.
I’m physically exhausted from the vicissitudes of this long and changing day, but my nerves still smoulder with coals of something left undone, so I take up pen and notebook, and write.
(That writing coming soon)
For a deeper understanding of this part of your journey, read the DIFFERENTNESS COMMENTARIES (coming soon)
Journey continues into Chapter 5: ONENESS